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Navigating Pain and Loss with Grace

October 14th, 2013

A rather talented intuitive once told me, “Your life is a demonstration.”

I took this to mean that by living my truth, I am often able to bring inspiration or insight to others. I also think that it means I am demonstrating to myself the depth of courage, love, and wisdom that lives within me, and all others.

This particular sharing is a very personal one, and I ask you, as always, to simply take what speaks to your heart, and respectfully leave the rest.

On Sunday I miscarried at 10 weeks of pregnancy.

I started having signs on Friday, and it was scary, not knowing what would happen. However the fear subsided when I knew that I was miscarrying. It was no longer unknown once the process started, and I realized all there was to do was let go and ride it out. My body did a very good job of naturally going through the process, though I will be recovering for some time.

I know that this is very common; that many women miscarry their first pregnancy, and that they often go on to have as many children as they wish. I have friends who have been through this and now have little ones, and this gives me great comfort.

The love and support I have been receiving from friends and family is so appreciated. If you choose to email me with your own words of care, please know that, though I may not reply, they will be gratefully received.

It happened on Thanksgiving weekend, and I find that interesting, especially since we had a house fire 5 years ago at the same time. I think it is a reminder to stay focused on what there is to be grateful for, even within the intensity and emotions of loss.

I also find it interesting that I miscarried a week after I had announced my pregnancy. It would have been much more convenient if it had happened before. Then I could have kept it all to myself and gone on with life without so many people being aware of what I’ve been through.

Yet, that isn’t really my way – to quietly pretend the world didn’t just shift for me. It is much more appropriate that it happened as it did. Because now I can tell you, with my characteristic open honesty, how I feel and what is helping me through.

All is Full of Love

First and foremost, this has been another deepening of Trust.

You can call it “Faith” if you prefer, as there definitely is an element of believing in something unseen. However, it is much more than that, since I have been shown time and again that I am truly taken care of. No matter what.

I keep leaning on that, and looking back on my life at the proof that I see: even in the most scary, uncomfortable, emotional times everything truly has turned out in the best possible way.

And so I stay with that trust. I remember in my heart and think often about how beautifully the mystery and magic of life unfolds when I allow it to do so, especially when it doesn’t look as I think it should.

As I recover, the tools of yoga will be a big part of my healing. Restorative asana, meditation, and mantra support me now. And yet, the deeper yoga is this trusting in myself and the divine unfolding of life.

Grace comes in that trust, as well as the act of allowing myself to flow with it. If that means I am sad one moment, laughing at the kitten the next, or eating blueberry pancakes for dinner, so be it.

I am very in touch with my spirit guides, and there was an immense presence of unseen support and energetic healing as I went through it all. It was very painful at times, giving me a taste of what labor will be like when I get there. Even in the most intense moments I thought, “Yes, the pain would be worth it to birth a child.”

The message I received was that the little soul that was with me just needed a bit more prep time before coming back to be a member of our family.

And I’m just fine with that. I trust that sweet spirit to do what is best for itself, and I know it has not truly left me: that there is a connection that has nothing to do with physical presence.

All is Full of Love

And so, through the waves of emotion that come naturally as a part of grieving, underneath it all is a sense of peace.

I hold to that steadiness that is built on trust, faith, and the brightness of hope. I will continue to ride these waves knowing that it is all okay.

Sometimes it takes a crisis to really get a point across. I was not backing off enough, not resting enough, not giving myself the time and space that was needed. I can’t count the more subtle messages I got telling me to do these things.

I get it now.

There’s no guilt or blame around these observations, in fact I don’t feel any anger or resistance at all. I’ve learned a lot about non-attachment in my life, and I am now seeing how far I have come in my personal growth.

This begins a new chapter in my life. I will rearrange everything so that I can rest, heal, and prepare the way for another pregnancy and growing a family.

I have so much help and support! For this I am very grateful.

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